Cassandra's Sanctuary

What Else Is New?

2009-02-06T05:52:00.000-08:00

Here's the opening paragraphs of an article from the Chicago Sun-Times:

"A 96-year-old Catholic church in Bridgeport was damaged in an early morning arson fire and also targeted with a message scrawled in duct tape about rape.

Firefighters were called to the scene about 3 a.m. by a 911 call from an anonymous passer-by who saw the flames, said Rev. John Parker, pastor of All Saints St. Anthony Catholic Church.

Parker said "God is a Liar" was written on the middle door in red duct tape while "Rape" and "Happend's here" was on the two side doors.

"It had to have taken some amount of time to put it on there," Parker said.

"No one can figure out what it means.""

First and foremost, I do frown upon damaging others' property, both private and public.

However, I am not surprised that this pastor is so clueless about the messages left in duct tape. There is no greater liar than the christian god and all those who speak for him. Rape and not-rape (many thanks to Latoya Peterson for coining this much-needed term!) happens in organized religion all the time. An actual rape could have occured there as well, but naturally the pastor is much more concerned about the "sacredness" of his church being "violated," as the article continues. I think it was the "God is a liar" part that threw him off his game.

Hey, Sarah Palin: Is Cruelty Really Fashionable?

2008-09-12T09:54:00.000-07:00

I used to think I'd seen just about everything. No big surprises left. Then the upcoming election started bringing astounding ignorance, hate, stupidity, and intolerance out of the woodwork. Delivering papers this morning--because, you know, it's hard to get a job with this *&@#$^ economy--I saw that Sarah Palin had made the front of the Wall Street Journal. For fashion. Fashion! In the midst of a heated sex & gender debate, American women have nothing better to focus on than Sarah Palin's lipstick and eyeglasses.

So I bring you this little video because I still hold out the hope that more people will see it and change their minds about how to vote this election. If you have a heart in your chest that pumps red blood or any compassion at all for living beings, I hope this opens your eyes as well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEDlj3CNmn8

Fear, Ignorance, Lies, and Conservatism

2008-07-31T10:52:00.000-07:00

This past Sunday, in Knoxville, TN, a gunman entered a Unitarian Universalist church during a worship service featuring a children's play. He opened fire with a shotgun and sent 7 people to the hospital. The news article I was reading online had a link to other readers' comments. I know I shouldn't have clicked it, but I'm an optimist. I hoped I'd see an intelligent, caring, open discussion full of compassion and calls for peace. Of course, I was wrong.

The very first comment spent about a dozen words to feel bad for the victims and a hundred to blast liberals, homosexuals, and anyone other than christians. When the next person to post pointed out--correctly, I must add--that homosexuality is biologically natural and that this kind of hate is what prompted the shooting, he got blasted by poster #3. This responder attacked him directly, claiming that people were trying to "kill God." You can see why I stopped reading.

I stopped reading because I've been reading about their god. I have something called knowledge, and I use it to dispel christianity's greatest weapon: fear. These are people so afraid to think for themselves, so afraid to go against the grain, so afraid to learn about the natural world that they would rather feel no remorse for other people's suffering than have to empower themselves. They turn a blind eye to biology, archeology, anthropology, history, and social reality. They accept the words of their clergy, most of them not even reading their whole "holy" book, let alone research its origins. Are they afraid to lift the veil of mystery they hang around it? Are they afraid to put the bible into a social, political, and historical context because it might not hold up under the slightest scrutiny?

Here is what to fear: ignorance under pressure, turning with hate on our bodies and the earth. Conservatives and christians have no original arguments, no responses based on common sense or reliable information. The same exact arguments used today--"we suffer because not everybody worships our god"--is in the bible because that excuse to spread their religion has been used for so long. When presented with data, logic, and temperance, these followers of a so-called all-loving god resort to fire-and-brimstone tactics. Like many catholic saints, the christians of today love to deal out their god's judgment, telling others they're going to hell for this or that. All they know is how to point fingers and redirect blame. They have no foundation for their restrictive, unnatural laws and no idea why non-christians don't like them. I'm sorry, but any religion that has to tear people down to build some of them back up has an obvious agenda of control. (The ironic thing is that any response to the contrary simply demonstrates the church's degree of that control.) If you can justify firing a shotgun in the presence of children, turn your nose up at those who strive toward a community built on understanding, and rip tender lovers apart based on the similarity of their genitalia while doing nothing to separate abused spouses from their heterosexual partners, you are truly the most frightened, most pitiable being in existence.

News Overexposure

2008-07-11T11:32:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged because I've been too angry about too many things happening in the US lately. I hope to briefly and calmly get these things on e-paper so I can get them out of my head.

The pregnant teens on the east coast. I find it interesting that the idea (later misproven) of a teenage pregnancy pact caused more alarm than the pre-9/11 warning on President Bush's desk. I applaud these girls for owning their bodies, greeting motherhood with a positive attitude, and bonding together to create an affirming kinship. Their principal commented that "obviously" these girls didn't know they were supposed to be upset and distraught over their pregnancies. I'm glad they didn't "know" that. It's about time teen mothers stopped letting others bully them into celibacy and unwanted abortions. It's about time teen mothers proved everyone wrong who wails, "It'll ruin your life!" One article I read suggested that mothers teach their children about their values. Nothing makes me angrier than the assumption that one's "values" (read: constricting, life-denying opinions) should be passed on. Why is it assumed that teenagers simply don't know what their parents want? Advice is one thing, especially when it's well-rounded and well-informed, but pushing ideas on your kids about what they shouldn't do because of abstract concepts is wrong.

Death penalty, guns, and fireworks. I'm not usually in favor of the death penalty. I'm one of those let-'em-rot-and-try-to-rehabilitate kind of gals. But the supreme court pissed me off by proclaiming that viciously raping an 8-year-old is not that serious of a crime. The local paper didn't think so, either, by how far back it pushed this article. The disregard for human life continued with the prominently featured news about gun rights but took a swift 180 for the fourth of July. The same paper that reluctantly brought us child rape and waved gun rights in our faces decided to warn us about the dangers of fireworks. They included a picture of a human dummy getting a blast of fire and smoke to the face from a malfunctioning firework. Where were the pictures of gunshot wounds? The photos of small children killed by stray bullets, oftentimes in their own home? Where was the play-by-play of the child rape and how much she suffered from that? Instead, people are trying to protect the rapist because his IQ is only 80. That really blows my stack. IQ tests are NOT an acceptable measure of intelligence, most notably the common sense that you DON'T RAPE PEOPLE. He either knew what he was doing or needed help waaaaay earlier. Case closed.

My favorite gee-my-blood-pressure-is-skyrocketing topic, religion. I heard a woman say she was "born christian." Like my fiance said, it's not a nationality. It's not a race, not a genetic trait. You can be born to people who are christian. You can be raised by them with that religious influence. But it's impossible to be born any religion because all you can do as an infant is poop and suckle and sleep. You can't be considered a religion as a child because your brain literally cannot compute abstract concepts--which is why I think teaching christianity to children is so dangerous. It's learned at the concrete, visual level by rote and rarely questioned later as a supposedly logical, mature adult. My cousin who just turned 13 added me as a friend on Facebook, which I appreciated because I'm getting back in touch with my family. But I saw that she has joined a group for christian pride, and although I want to say "Get out--get out now!" and "You're too young to have a heavy religious affiliation," I'm allowing the benefit of the doubt. I didn't climb up out of christianity until around twenty. I also remembered today that my ex-boyfriend had told me he thought my witchery was a phase. A phase! I am glad the day will never come when I wake up and say, "Gosh, I am so over that Paganism empowerment. I'm going back to verbally flogging myself, taking orders from anything with a penis, and thinking I'm above nature instead of a part of it." You have no idea the depth of brainwashing you have to undo when you leave the church. You're brought up in a closed environment where your elders are quick to squash any ideas that fall outside its conservative, limiting doctrine. I used to estimate we could reach matriarchy in 400 years. I can't wait that long.

Job Hunting is Bunk

2008-06-09T07:40:00.000-07:00

I went to fill out a survey online the other day, and this particular site always has a poll for its members. This question was about how soon we thought the economy would pick up. I chose the option for "sometime in 2009." When I submitted it, I got to see the poll results so far, with 2% of responders saying there was nothing wrong with the economy. Even though it raises my blood pressure significantly, I'm going to give these %$#^&holes the benefit of the doubt. They did answer the poll before the nation-wide article that unemployment jumped to 5.5% in May. The people who answered that poll probably didn't get the same call I did the other night from an office I hoped to get an interview with. For a simple front desk position, the office received 350 queries in a few days time.

I saw "Don't Mess with the Zohan" on Friday evening. I don't usually see comedies in the theater, and I was a little apprehensive about admitting I was going to see this film. But let me tell you some things about the movie industry. #1: Previews are almost always deceiving. They show the funniest or the crudest or the most sexual parts of any movie. Or they completely bypass the main plot. #2: The primary functions of any movie in the comedy genre is to defy social convention, bring people together, and explore social issues while you're loosened up by the comedic aspects.

Keeping these things in mind, I found "Zohan" to be a priceless film. I heard that some people thought it was stupid. I guess if you don't believe in world peace, achieving your dreams, or that older women deserve to feel sexy, it might have seemed stupid to you. If you were paying attention to the dialog more than Adam Sandler's rippling muscles or pervasive pubic bulge, however, there was a lot to take away from the film. A lot that doesn't get shown in the previews. Go for the laughs, stay for the meaning.

So what does Zohan have to do with unemployment? Maybe nothing, maybe everything. Maybe the message I'd most like to take away this morning is "Stop fighting, start employing." Dreams are dying while people quibble over bullshit. They say the most human potential is lying in cemeteries. And then they vote Republican. But by the time I got to be a Democrat, they stopped believing in what I stand for, so neither party is really standing up for the sane people anymore. I have to keep reminding myself that I do have a dream, I do know what I want in life--to write--but since it's still not paying the bills, I continue my search for the elusive "day job." I have a Master's in English, for Hel's sake. I'm not unemployable. It's just hard to get your foot in the door with so much "right-sizing."

Permanence and Hierarchy

2008-05-18T08:07:00.000-07:00

I found more differences between christianity and Paganism: permanence and hierarchy.

I often think of the injustice of referring to individuals as "created by god." We were not made; we were born. I realized that this is one more part of christians seeking permanence. When my Grandma Z. died, I noted that the womb that carried four people into the world was now gone. When your mother dies, the portal that brought you to life disappears. However, in christianspeak, god makes you. God the maker is always there whether your mother is alive or passed on. The theme of permanence also extends into death. Whether you go to heaven or hell, you are there forever. Even purgatory is somewhat permanent because there really can't be an easy way to tell if someone's there or how long or when they've moved on. Christians also seem to wish for a permanence in weather--always sunny, not too hot or too cold.

I understand that the hope of stability is what underlies the search for permanence, but it remains contrary to nature and therefore to Paganism. Christians still say, "From dust and back to dust," but when the body's in a casket, the nutrients can't actually return to the soil. The body breaks down, but the elements aren't contributing to the ecosystem. Everything in nature is cyclical and for the most part necessary for continuation of the planet. People may complain about rain, but without it, vegetation dies and we soon follow. Whereas jehovah is only ever referred to as the father, the goddess is mother, sister, grandmother, and friend.

The christian hierarchy has god on top then men then women then animals. Everyone has power over someone else. Everyone has someone to look to for orders. In paganism, everyone and everything is equal. The goddess is not there to be worshiped and followed but to learn from and admire. In christianity, God seems to have created people in his physical image but denied his divine wisdom. What I love about Paganism is that each person is encouraged and expected to empower themselves and others. When we approach the divine, it is not with fear but with reverence and an eagerness to share their power/knowledge/insight.

A Few Thoughts

2008-05-15T11:10:00.000-07:00

I came across an interesting anecdote in Starhawks's 10th anniversary edition of The Spiral Dance. She relates that sometimes people ask her if she believes in the Goddess. Starhawk poses the response, "Do you believe in rocks?" Because the question of belief when it comes to the Goddess doesn't make sense in our religious context. I started to think about why that might be.

There is no "test" in Paganism. There is nothing to believe and no rule to follow other than Don't hurt any living thing. If we choose to believe in an afterlife or reincarnation, those are not based on our belief in anything. We won't be denied these when we die; there is no judge to fear or prepare for. We connect with the Goddess intellectually, but we skip past "belief" somehow into simply knowing or creating.

Goddess is more of a metaphor than a physical being, so the question of belief is just downright puzzling. The only thing you really have to believe in is that there is a force that you choose to name Goddess or Horned God. Since Paganism is highly subjective instead of regulated, this force can be anything--life force, love, nature, weather, coincidence, or all of the above.

Since there's more of a focus on christianity than Paganism in the U.S., our beliefs are not a broadly social focus. I can't speak for all Pagans, but I know that I and at least some others are private about our ideas and experiences. Christians, on the other hand, often talk about their beliefs and experiences with others. Theists and monotheists will state without provocation that they believe in jehovah.

I've never read any Pagan literature that had a run-down of beliefs or any treatment of our tradition as not being the natural way in which we view the world. I never sit down to do a ritual and recite anything like catholics and christians will during a service. We don't have religious beliefs; we have knowledge. Our beliefs are ethical ones that can be completely separated from our religion, just like a lot of atheists have ethics without religious ritual. While catholics will recite long strings of beliefs about Mother Mary, Jesus' death and resurrection, John the Baptist's role, and their own life after death, Pagans don't really spend time saying, "I believe in the Wheel of the Year. I believe that humans are an equal part of nature and a part of its cyclical motion. I believe we should only act so that we do not harm any other living creature." I guess we spend less time talking and more time walking.

Pagans don't have beliefs because we don't need them. Our religious traditions are based on what we can measure and experience. I didn't choose Paganism; it chose me. When I went looking for another religion after my protestant fall-out, I was very picky. I looked at the Eastern religions, but there would always be something I didn't agree with. I developed myself instead, and when I finally learned that I had naturally been practicing Paganism, I embraced the term and all that it stands for. I never had to learn anything that didn't ring true or wasn't left up to me if I wanted to learn more. On the other side of the spectrum are the religions where belief is everything. Suspending one's logic and learning about specific people and events make up the "faith" so many people put on a pedestal.

We don't have to "believe" because the Goddess is not separate; she contains and is everything. She isn't going to pour her wrath on those who don't worship her; she's all inclusive. There are no stretches of the imagination because there are no extremes, absolutes, literal meanings, or lies. We don't have to choose between Goddess and science; they work together.

If you think Paganism is wrong, bad, evil, and punishable by hellfire, I hope you're not a catholic, because catholicism has been incorporating our deities and our ideas for as long as its been around. Protestants are getting there, too.

I keep seeing all these books for brides that are supposed to help these women invite jehovah to their wedding. It makes me want to laugh and throw up. First of all, the term "bride" refers to the Irish goddess Brigid (pronounced Breed). As brides, we are stand-ins for this amazing goddess, and as jealous as jehovah is, I don't know why you'd invite him to witness this. Secondly, for centuries the church railed against weddings because they had been a uniquely Pagan practice (handfastings). Eventually, the church gave in, as it usually does, and started raking in the cash. If you are catholic, you might recognize the name Brigid because when the church invaded the Celtic lands, they couldn't stomp out her worship. They incorporated her as St. Brigid and even said she had been the nursemaid to baby Jesus. I wish they'd add that into the bible: how an Irish goddess moved to the Middle East to take human form and nurse one of the area's several melancholy resurrection gods, also in human form.

My final note: I always loved the depictions of Jesus in the final hours before his death (which was actually a political assassination for preaching contrary to Roman beliefs). I would rant against those narcoleptic disciples for being unable to keep watch. Jesus felt so real in his distress, so human in his pleading for intervention. The image of the sad male god made an impression on me, and it was sad for me to think about leaving him behind with my previous religion. Fortunately, like I mentioned, the character of Jesus was completely unoriginal, and I've been able to go on enjoying this image through the mythology of several cultures. I am still on the trail of how this particular prophet ended up being regarded as the resurrection god of the christians, but I'll get there.

Eve Ensler

2008-05-13T05:45:00.001-07:00

Self magazine does not know what to do about women. There is no other explanation for the kinds of articles I've seen pop up in it. Most of the time, it critiques Tupperware, gives you ab-sculpting exercises, and suggests fashion trends. But every couple of issues, there's a Doozy. The last Doozy that came to my attention was the article scaring women about the "dangers" of chiropractic. I've worked for two chiropractors, keeping my eyes and ears wide open. The odds of getting hurt are literally one in a million. Whoever wrote the article obviously knew nothing about chiropractic going in and learned absolutely nothing about it when she came out the other side.

In true Self reporting fashion then, I suppose, the magazine that brought you "Don't correct your nervous system" has brought us "Please reshape your labia." Here is an article about something frightening, an allegedly growing trend of cosmetic vaginal surgeries, for the inside and the outside. Written by an obviously clueless woman, the article has a sort of laid-back tone I couldn't reconcile. I did cheer when I saw the word Vagina in print, but it was all downhill from there. The male doctor who seems to be spearheading this movement sounds like a complete lunatic. He states that medicine is a business. On one side it is, but do you have to make so much money carving up women? And while this reincarnated murderer of the Black Dahlia is spouting gibberish, the woman who wrote the article doesn't even buy into the G-spot. I'm sorry, but if you're going to be a Woman writing about Women's issues, get on board or go home!

The article didn't condone these procedures per se, but it certainly centered around people who did. The author interviewed one woman who didn't even know why they were controversial. Only one person the author spoke to who didn't condone the procedures did so for women's wellbeing. One person was angry and upset because she'd been mutilated by one of these gynecologists, and someone else wanted to see long-term studies published. The male doctor went on about how the women who came to him had always felt self-conscious about their vaginas and hadn't even discussed this with other doctors, blah blah blah. And that's when I knew: he's never heard of Eve Ensler and the Vagina Monologues. He's aware of the issue that women can be uncomfortable with their vaginas, but he sees it in such a skewed light, I find it very disturbing. He seems to be saying, "Oh, I'm sorry, have other people made you feel uncomfortable about your body? Well, fuck therapy and a sociopolitical overhaul, let's get to the scalpel!" Does this not imply that vaginas have to look a certain way? That these women are freakish or need to be "fixed"? The article says they're the majority.

Let's take this issue down to the base level. We are biological organisms. Animals. 98% of the population has a biological imperative to get a mate--about 2% are asexual. Look at the kinds of things the animal kingdom does to get mates. Birds will puff their feathers up to look larger. Peacocks have beautiful feathers, which have always reminded me of the human prerogative to wear make-up. We wear make-up to enhance what our culture finds attractive: bigger eyes, rosy cheeks, sumptuous lips. From there, we jumped to breast enlargements. It's just another way of grabbing attention. Of course, vaginas are a more private situation. Walking down the street, the size of your labia isn't an issue to passersby. That's how these doctors and their faithful followers are able to sell it as being done to enhance sexual pleasure. How about some Kegels? They're free, they're natural, and they work! No blood, no lawsuit, no problem!

The problem is that our culture is narrow-minded and near-sighted. All we can see is our own point of view. My mom always wore make-up. I couldn't wait to wear it, too, and started slathering it on as soon as she would allow it. I could not for the life of me understand my friends in high school who didn't wear make-up. I respected their choice, but I couldn't understand it. I whined for contact lenses in the name of feeling more attractive. I've been out of high school for eight years now. I will go to the grocery store with no make-up and my glasses. My whole perspective on beauty and self-esteem has changed (thanks to Josh!). The world isn't going to shriek and crumble if I leave the house without make-up. People get too focused on social rules instead of making new rules that support reality.

If you have longer labia than most women, get on TV and let the world know you refuse to feel bad or embarrassed. We have to nip this trend in the bud. Do you know what cosmetic vaginal surgery really is? FGM: Female Genital Mutilation. I cannot believe they've let it into this country. And women are lining up for it! Chris Rock, in his stand-up, proposed that women don't rule the world because we hate each other. While true, I think it's even more likely that we're still clinging to hating ourselves. Half the households in the U.S. make less than $30,000 a year. Most people lose money month after month. We're in an economic depression, and these women want to shell out thousands of dollars to tighten and/or reshape something that was Perfect to begin with.

I want to return to that not-well-informed woman--a mother, to boot! Scary!--who didn't see what the controversy was all about. She couldn't see how this was demeaning to women. She said she saw it as a selfish choice to return her sex life to what it had been before children by getting her vagina tightened. She's right about one thing: it was Selfish! What kind of example did she just set for her children? What kind of brains and creativity did she just show her husband she doesn't possess? How many women did she just slap in the face with this decision? Not to mention all the feminist men whose anger we need to balance out idiots like this woman. Because she couldn't respect her body and accept it in its current condition, she is helping to pave the way for a whole new battle. The vagina has long been a battleground, a prize to be conquered, and the black sheep of the organ community. She has cast her vote that the best vagina is a young, tight one. I'm not trying to be pornographic, but this merges with the ageism in this country and the disrespect of the post-childbirth body. Which is actually hypocritical when you consider those people who still think a woman's only function is to have children.

It's very easy to see the rock and the hard place some people want women to squeeze into. Sex is dirty, shameful, and should be performed without pleasure according to certain saints. This especially goes for women, some of whom had their clitorises cauterized with a white hot iron to keep them from masturbating--yes, in the United States. However, since intercourse between two people is the only way to bring that next generation, men have to take five minutes of their time to pleasurelessly stick their most hallowed possession inside a dark place which some mythologies fear might have teeth and keep the penis for itself. Now that the woman is pregnant, she actually gains some privileges for nine months. Church policy states that menstruating women must not take communion or even go near the altar because these mere mortals actually have the power to taint jehovah's belongings and "sacred" space. On the other hand, some men don't see why pregnant women should get special parking spaces.

After the woman gives birth--often in a position where gravity is not used to help her--she is deemed wholly undesirable. Penis envy? Why should we? The clitoris is the only human organ that exists solely for the generation of pleasure and holds more nerve endings than the head of the penis. In the solemn world of male-dominated monotheism, unbridled female pleasure must seem a frightening concept indeed. In ancient cultures, intercourse was seen as allowing men to experience the divine, the Goddess, through the female partner. Too many modern American men--not all, but still too many--fear experiencing the feminine. It might mean they're gay, it will make them weak, they'll lose their ability to reason. Reason? You call ignoring nature reasonable? The only reason anybody ever called "penis envy" is because they only associate power with the penis. Did I mention narrow-mindedness?

Here's my latest dig: If jehovah was so freakin' smart and so freakin' kind, how come he would have created us with so many nerve endings and then told us to leave them alone? He must've gotten a worse grade in biology than George W. Bush!

A Month Later

2008-05-05T11:45:00.000-07:00

Iron Man rules!! It is one of the best movies I've ever seen. Every aspect of it was masterfully executed with razor-sharp precision. The story, the dialog, the acting, the cast, the interplay of comedy and action--all of it blew our socks off. I want the soundtrack so I can work out to it and feel like a total bad ass.

I feel good because I've gotten ahead of schedule on my novel. In keeping myself accountable, I've kicked it into high gear, and I'm ready to pound out the rest of the pages. Yay!

I realized that I missed one of the most important personal anniversaries in my year. Mid-April 2008 has marked 5 years without cutting. It's hard to believe it's been half a decade of success in this part of my life. If I never accomplish anything bigger than that, that should be fine, because this was bigger than a lot of people would be able to understand.

Speaking of understanding...I know I should stay off Internet message boards, but I got drawn into a discussion about the new Narnia movies. Some people didn't care for the christian allegory, so somebody got their knickers in a big twist and attacked Harry Potter for filling Hollywood with "witchcraft and Satanism." I don't know why I bother getting upset over christian ignorance, but after I calmed down in record time, I came to a new conclusion. I remembered a conversation I had with a woman who teaches Sunday School. She told me originally, she had told her students not to read Harry Potter, but after reading it for herself, she realized it's the same old struggle between good and bad, and she didn't have such a problem with it. So my revelation was that paganism and atheism and all of these non-judeochristian ideas need to just flood pop culture. We need to represent ourselves the way we want to be seen and combat ignorance by trying to reach people through their need for entertainment. And of course it's not lost on me that in the case of this Sunday School teacher, it was children who changed her mind. Children love fun! What's fun? Not christianity! If you have fun, according to the bible, you're gonna burn. And according to the saints, they're going to laugh at you while you do so. Anyway--children love fun, not rules. If nothing else, we can appeal to the children, and christians shouldn't have a problem with that because they bombard children with preposterous myths on a weekly basis. You're barely out of the womb before they start telling you Jesus came out of a womb without sperm going in. (Every teenage girl's father's nightmare, I suspect.)

I'm still scratching my head for ideas on what kind of Pagan-Goddess-Witch book I want to write. Maybe I should write either a thick volume or a whole series, just an autobiography of how these layers came into my life and at the same time inform others. I might leave witchery out of it, especially if I choose to focus on the historical battle between Paganism and patriarchal monotheism. I don't see the point in simply combining many other authors' information on this history, although I believe it would be helpful to have it all in one place. I would certainly want to include some other aspect besides history. I love doing comparisons between christianity and Paganism, but if they all get explained during the history section, I don't need to walk my readers through it again. And if I'm too critical, no one will listen, but I'm not aiming to write a long assault on their religion. I just want to raise consciousness about the real history of the world because we need it to help straighten out all the socio-political-religious bullshit. I want people to stop acting like men have always been in charge; they haven't. I want people to stop accepting sexual assault and blaming it on the victim. I want people to wake up and realize that women aren't trying to claim men's power; we're REclaiming our own.

One last beef. One of the biggest arguments for patriarchy is that men are smarter, stronger, and more capable than women. They're arguing that there's a difference between the two sexes, right? However, the second a feminist suggests that a woman take a position of power, say, the presidency, the response is usually, "Do you think things would really be different if women were in charge?" All day long, people talk about differences between the sexes, but when you try to get the "fairer sex" into authority, they back-pedal. I do not believe that all men think alike and all women think alike, but I know for a fact that a truly empowered woman would make most people's heads spin. Too many people spend their time and energy thinking about how women should be dainty, kind, and quiet while men should be making decisions, building things, and enjoying their hobbies. The feminine principle is nurturing, life-sustaining, all-inclusive, sensitive, and intuitive; the male principal has been used to blow things up as much as build them. It represents characteristics we need, certainly, but you can't have a healthy society based completely on ideas like logic, war, inflexibility, polarity, seriousness, and exclusiveness. Most people need to widen their narrow minds and do their homework. Women's brains are wired for multi-tasking, making us more natural leaders. (How many things do you think George W. Bush can think about at one time?) Women bring life into this world. I adore the thought of men having sympathy symptoms during their significant others' pregnancies, but in the end, we're the ones who usher in the next generation. Who better to make decisions about life than those who are closest to it? I cheer for stay-at-home dads every bit as much if not more so than career women because they are doing what feels right to them and opening doors to a brighter future in this country. Only when we break down these unnatural, rigid walls can we move forward in any real sense. (A fake sense being the mistaken belief that monotheism is some kind of religious enlightenment at the end of the road from Atheism and Paganism.) In an age when christians are continuing to recruit new members, it's high time that pendulum swung back over. It's time for the witch hunts to get studied beside the Holocaust, and it's time somebody demanded an apology from the pope about the Inquisition. If the catholic church can decree Mother Mary's conception immaculate in addition to that of Jesus, I think they can fess up to something that really happened.

Memorial

2008-04-07T05:28:00.000-07:00

My Grandma Zurawski passed away yesterday afternoon. It's left me with kind of a strange mixture of feelings. Knowing how much pain she was in since the cancer spread into her bones, there's the thought that at least she's not suffering any more. And like I told my dad on the phone, Grandma has such a terrific legacy of love, caring for so many people throughout her adult life. My third feeling is one of waiting. I will never forget our bond, but I'm waiting to see the gap that's left in family gatherings.

My grandma was not one of those people you need to force yourself to find the good in when they pass away. I can't remember a single word said harshly. She was, in every way, the great matriarch of the Zurawski family tree. She was kind, gentle, understanding, generous, patient, and had that way of making everyone around her feel equally special. I will always cherish the last few times I saw her and getting the opportunity to describe my wedding gown to her exactly two weeks before she passed away. But I've brought to the forefront my memories of her in better health, the sound of her voice filled with excitement when it welcomed you, her terrific smile. She loved the two books I had published (or at least the first one) and even my unpublished mainstream novel. She showed me her wedding album and helped me with sewing projects. She was an amazing cook and much loved. Yet every time I think of how much we'll all miss her, I can't help but remember how much she gave us. That easter afternoon was the last present I have and a testament to her strength and selflessness. If easter hadn't come so early this year, we might not have had that final memory to hold onto.

I guess I worry, too. I feel sorry for the generation above me who lost a mother, a good friend, and a confidant. I worry about my grandpa being on his own and learning to take care of himself. Grandma was so capable, she took care of just about everything inside the house by herself. I also feel bad for my brother Andrew teaching in Korea right now. I haven't spoken to him yet, and I'm not sure what he's feeling right now.

Thinking back on old times reminds me of Grandma's great strength, and I know I want so badly to emulate that. I thought a few days ago I understood why so many people want to believe in one long life after this one, so that everything in this life, all the relationships and people, will be preserved forever. It's comforting enough for me to know that she's taken the next step of her journey to be reunited with the earth and the Great Mother, who contains all of us. I also thought that I had found the most basic truths of life, to love and release, to bring other people close and know when to let go.

I keep following this thread of the importance of people connecting with each other. I'll save my theories for another day, but Josh and I were able to enjoy some incredible jazz music Saturday night from the Duke Ellington Orchestra. The talent of these musicians is almost impossible to describe; the flavor of those notes! The comic stylings of the conductor, Tsung Yeh! That was some toe-tapping, head-nodding good stuff. And I finally got to get dolled up for something, too, and go out with Josh to see live entertainment we both enjoyed so much. What a magical evening, and like they always say, those are the moments you remember when you get old. You don't regret filing that one more report or showing up at the office that one extra Saturday. You regret not having enough fun with the people you loved, and as long as I remember that, I may be able to keep my life on a track I'm happy with.

More Thoughts, Same Thread

2008-04-01T05:39:00.000-07:00

I saw a bumper sticker this week that said Keep Christ in Christmas. I've been thinking more about what this kind of statement means. I realized that since christians forget they belong to one of many world religions, they must be addressing everyone. They're always so keen on remembering the "reason for the season," or the reason they think it exists. Their beliefs are so unquestionable that it must pain them to imagine people trying to pull back from the christian explanation for the yule-time celebration. I also realized what christians want to see in christmas: more Jesus, less Santa and gifts. What do they want to see in easter? More Jesus, less Easter Bunny and egg-painting. Can you see the trend? The pulling away from crafts, presents, and fun draws attention to the rift between christianity and paganism. Paganism is about freedom--the freedom of expression, to feel emotion, to laugh and sing and dance and play. Our rituals are only as rigid as we are individually. That's something I've had to learn, that rituals don't have to be formal, logical, and according to a pattern. They can be loose and open and enjoyable. Christianity is solemn, serious business. Don't get me wrong--I liked the pastor of the church I went to. He had a fantastic sense of humor, and I liked his sermons. But those sermons were the only part of the hour when laughter was permitted. The readings are solemn, the hymns are grave (even when they're supposed to be "uplifting"), and the ritual is all carried out with a lack of a smile.

I experienced this rift for myself when I was still a part of the church. The teens, including myself and my brother, were having a sleepover at the church. Chaos and hilarity ruled that night. We had a blast being wacky and running everywhere. We played games, and some of the kids pushed others at breakneck speed in wheelchairs through the long hallways. Some of these antics leaked out to the parents. I remember my mom's reaction to the wheelchair races. She was very concerned that this was not reverent behavior respectful of a place of worship. I thought then and still think now that the only disrespect might have been to the disabled because we were using something for enjoyment that they need just to get around. I guess jehovah doesn't have a sense of humor. In his house, there will be no antics, no fun, and no freedom. Everything must be kept under quiet control.

The only time the congregation of the church was allowed to leave their pews and join the choir behind the dais was during the Hallelujah Chorus, which was sung on special occasions a few times a year at the end of the service. The rest of the time, obviously, the congregation remains strictly separate from the show at the front of the sanctuary unless they have been chosen to read from the bible, light the advent wreath, or accept the rite of transubstanticannibalism. This is yet another important rift between Paganism and christianity. Pagans are worried about keeping groups democratic and equal. They want to avoid that kind of hierarchy where the same small number is always in charge and wielding the power. Of course, Pagans are dedicated to seeing the Great Mother in everything and every being, so I think it's easier for us to maintain equality. We don't have one way of looking at things that's considered "correct." Pretty much any idea or impression is accepted as long as it harms none. Christianity, on the other hand, is intent on looking way up into the sky for answers. I have never heard a judeo-christian talk about seeing the divine in other people. I know some of them are trying to bring religion into every day of the week instead of just Sunday, but I'm not sure it's for selfless reasons. It seems like a way they might try to better secure a place in heaven for themselves or further "legitimize" their beliefs or the hold of the church.

This past weekend, I happened to be around several christian women. One of them, who I've always admired for her strength of will and mind, is in seminary to become a pastor. She told the story of how a woman in her family used to wear a lot of rings and other jewelry until she and her husband decided jehovah thought this was vain behavior. They stopped wearing jewelry. There was a pause in conversation followed by a reaction of, "Yeah, but don't they belong to an extremist church?" And the soon-to-be-pastor said yes and proceeded to continue the conversation. I saw something huge in that short moment. Here may be more evidence that christians aren't comfortable with their religion. It all hinges on three key words. When confronted by fundamentalism, more run-of-the-mill christians start with "Yeah." This lets the storyteller know the listener has heard and understood the story. The listener is also accepting that this is what someone else believes to be true. The second word is "but." The listener is not fully accepting the story. They are about to rebel against it. They are repelling the story away from them. The third important word is "extremist." Sometimes they'll say "weird" or "very different" instead. This is where the listener is repelling the context of the story to, somewhere far away from themselves and their own beliefs. It keeps their world view safe and protected from ideas they aren't comfortable with within the same religion. They seem to be saying, "I accept that a christian couple believes god doesn't want them to wear jewelry, but since that strikes me as odd, I must place this couple's belief system in a different category from my own." By labeling oneself "mainstream" or "normal" and the couple as "extremist," both belief systems are allowed to continue as they are without one altering the other. It also serves to comfort oneself with the thought that he or she is nothing like the strange couple except for a loose religious affiliation.

I've been noticing a lot recently that judeo-christians often make fun of each other's particular beliefs. With all the contradictions and unclear wording in the bible, it must be impossible to follow all the teachings let alone understand what half of them mean. The people who claim so proudly to know exactly what the bible says are egotists preying on the less certain. Naturally, most christians haven't read most of the bible, so they don't even have a firm footing. They are completely relying on other people for guidance and information. Josh was talking to a christian woman some time ago who said she was under the impression that December 25 was in the bible as Jesus' birthday. Josh and I both know it's not. I have further read that the gospel depicting the nativity the way most of us picture it was voted into the bible by a single man. All of the christmas pageants and decorations at people's houses hinge on two men in history: the man who wrote the story and the man who put it in the bible. Some day soon, I want to chronicle the piggy-backing of christian holidays on Pagan ones, and some day in the future when I find my copy, I plan to read the bible from cover to cover, making extensive notes. I know my father has read it, but I never discussed it with him to know what he thinks of all the contradictions. Even when I was still loosely a christian, I thought the bible must be the worst holy book in the world. By now, I've read things like the Bhagavad Gita, a Hindu religious text that is full of philosophy and teachings for how to live one's life. The bible, however, mixes stolen myth, tall tales, genealogy (some patrilineal, some matrilineal), true history, old laws, letters, and parables. Quite frankly, without Jesus, the bible has no worth save the few passages where Pagan traditions shine through, and that's only to help us prove our history. Without Jesus' teachings and gentleness, there would be no worthy role model. There would be no everyday guide for living outside of 10 rules, which are all stated in the negative.

Modern psychology recognizes that you must tell others, especially children, exactly what it is you wish them to do. If you give them a negative instruction, they have no direction and will often do what you've told them not to because you presented it as an option. They can't flip the statement over in their minds. For example, Thou shall not kill. Instead of instructing us to be kind to each other, the commandment only cares that we not murder each other. The instruction "kill" is not far beneath the surface in terms of words, keeping violence on the brain instead of peace. The commandments offer avoidances rather than wisdom. Thou shall not lie. It doesn't help you in socially sticky situations, encouraging you to be gentle with the truth. And of course it offers lying as an alternative when things get rough. Thou shall not steal. Why can't it say, Thou shall do thy best to work for what you need and be proud of thy accomplishments? It says nothing about taking pride in one's labor and craft-making, again putting the idea of crime into your head instead of a focus on hope. Maybe instead of grumbling on their way to work because they're only working so they don't commit the sin of stealing, christians would take more heart that they're contributing something to society. They're providing a useful service. But as I've said before, christians don't focus on the here-and-now or helping other people. They're worried about the big man in the sky and his eventual judgment.

Additional Thoughts

2008-03-26T06:49:00.000-07:00

In yesterday's entry, I asked why christians call for returning holidays to their "real" meaning. Later, I approached a more plausible answer, or at least an observation. When christians say this, they're pushing for a refocus on the christian stories behind the holidays. In actuality, they're calling for a rejection of anything secular like Santa Claus and Pagan like lambs, eggs, and yes, the Easter Bunny. I'm not clear on the origins of Santa Claus, but most things that are considered secular have Pagan roots; most christians just don't know it. I never had any clue where the Easter Bunny came from until I read the book on Ostara. There's something heart-warming about finding Pagan traditions in your protestant childhood. My parents, especially my mom, would set up an egg and gift hunt every easter. Playing in the rain is an encouraged Pagan way of connecting with water and the nurturing of the earth. My brother and I used to play in the rain all the time. Actually, the time period during which I stopped playing in the rain was when my ribcage malformation was under way. I withdrew from the rain, from the sun, from people. The only comforts I found for myself were writing and music. The only comfort my mom could offer me was the suggestion that I pray to god. Unlike a lot of people who don't get prayers answered but remain loyal to their religion, I consider this the straw that broke the camel's back. Come to think of it, around the time I left the rain to depend on an unresponsive father figure, my massive depressive started and didn't leave for over 10 years.

My thought this morning was that there is such a wealth of information that most people don't find or know exists. And why should christians go looking for more? The bible pretty much proclaims that it holds everything they need to know, that it contains the entire history of humans and the earth. In case this isn't enough, way before the mind can mature to accept scientific fact, churches make sure they impress upon us the importance of belief in what can't be proven and the importance of not believing what we see. Of course appearances can be deceiving, but why believe a set of conditions that defy reality and common sense? Christians are pretty much agreeing to be stupid their entire lives, to argue with anyone who refuses to comply, for a reward after death that has never been explained. Hell has been graphically described over and over again, but apparently the best description offered of heaven is that you get to spend eternity singing praises to god. Again, a god who does nothing without violence but demands complete, grandiose loyalty. No wonder the male human ego is out of control. Look who christian men think made them in his own image! Here's a god who has smited, tricked, and made puppets of his own creations ever since the garden of eden.

Sometimes christians will say, "Jesus came, so the old testament doesn't matter any more." If it doesn't matter, why are christians so hung up on an eye for an eye? That's old testament. If it doesn't matter, why don't they separate the two testaments so they can focus on this supposedly more loving god? The bible wasn't always like this; the books that are in it got there by vote, so the bible can't be above being taking apart. It's already in pieces. If they don't want to take out the old testament because it's the word of god, then they're still placing god's vindictive words above Jesus's message of peace, which they argued neutralized god's warring ways in the first place. In the end, none of their beliefs are consistent. They have so many different thoughts swarming around, they just toss out the "appropriate" response without thinking it through.

I have one major comfort. Organized religion has never and will never be able to stamp out human instinct. Even a lot of people who are christians don't abide by the rules. It's impossible. So while people convert in and out of christianity, I rely on basic human needs to at least keep part of the population sane.

Waning

2008-03-25T10:38:00.000-07:00

I read the other week that witches are moody. This was a wonderful revelation to me because I've always been moody and always been known for it. After being so excited last week, I feel drained and irritable this week. The moon is waning, and in true witch fashion, I suppose, so is my energy.

I get so frustrated with christianity around the holidays. It's very pervasive, intrusive. I found some guy's article online today with a misleading title about why critics see "myth and legend" in christianity. He boldly proclaimed that yes, the critics are halfway right. But his argument had nothing to do with scientific or historical fact. All he was really concerned with was the split between the orthodox/catholic church and protestantism. In the end, the author called for christians to return to a focus on Jesus, which I couldn't agree with more only because if they're focusing on Jesus, they'd be much more caring and stop encouraging war. I noticed a bunch of other articles by this same author, one title probing the link between DNA and god, and another title saying to return easter to its "true meaning."

Whenever a christian uses the word "true" or "truth," I fly through the roof. Nobody has less information about anything than christians. They base their lives on a single text most of them haven't read, a re-re-translated book combining pagan legends with thinly veiled historical violence and tall tales. The same people who dismiss Greco-Roman mythology believe that one family (Noah's) can collect two of every animal on earth during a flood they somehow know, without today's technology, is flooding the entire world. And if you confront a christian with all these improbabilities, they don't come back at you with fact. They don't try to reason it out. They just get huffy and try to make you feel stupid for not believing it. Somehow everyone agrees that Paul Bunyon and the blue ox Babe weren't real, but many people believe the biblical Joshua could bring down a whole city by blowing a trumpet. As children, we're taught to enjoy a song about this event and celebrate Joshua's real-life slaughter of the men, women, and children of that city. Parents are worried about violent movies and video games? And what do they think singing "Amazing Grace" does to your self-esteem?

Let me follow this tangent for a second. There is a psychological condition in which an abuser will create situations in which they can become the hero. The real example I saw was of a grandmother harping on her grandson, always lauding his brother, until the poor boy was terribly upset. Then the grandmother embraced him and soothed him like she was an angel. Now examine "Amazing Grace" and the same tenant that I've seen in other hymns. You are coerced into "admitting" you are nothing more than a sinner, a "wretch," who would be "lost" if not for jehovah. They put you down to bring you up, and then people act like christianity has done wonders for their self-worth. According to the bible, pretty much nobody has any worth at all, especially according to many saints, who say that women are only female because of a weakness in one parent or the other. You're supposed to be on the earth but not of it, which means a rejection of everything on the physical plane, including your own body. If people feel self-worth through christianity, it's because they want you to feel good so you'll keep coming and supporting their cause.

Considering everything I've read in the past few weeks, I have to boil christianity's effectiveness down to one thing: the fear of death, the quest for immortality. They say animals don't fear death. They just live by instinct and then eventually die. But death is rarely presented to christians as a natural process. The uncertainty of it is always stressed along with the fear of that which is uncertain. But if you don't fear death, all the trappings of organized religion fall away. You don't need communion because it's a cannibalistic rite designed to pass immortality on to you from Jesus, who already achieved it. If you don't need communion, you don't need to fixate on Jesus because according to the bible, he only lived and died to ensure you the chance for eternal life which you now don't need. Not needing Jesus, you surely don't need jehovah because without Jesus' message of peace, jehovah is reduced to a jealous war-mongerer.

For a supreme being, jehovah is the most childish and immature of them all. No story that is supposed to exhibit his greatness or love is complete without violence. He let Moses go but only after hardening Pharaoh's heart. The only way for Moses to escape is through the drowning deaths of his pursuers. Jehovah created rainbows as a promise of kindness but only after killing all but 8 people and 2 of each animal. He decided to open up heaven to his most devoted worshipers but only after raping Mary, sending Gabriel to explain things to her, and having his son betrayed and publicly executed. And after 2000 years, there's still a debate about what became of those who had a hand in Jesus' death. Some say Judas was sainted and abides in heaven. Others insist Judas and the Romans were sentenced to hell.

Perhaps my biggest beef with christianity is this focus on everything except what's important. Christianity is way more worried about premarital sex and homosexuality than it is about genocide, poverty, world hunger, war, and everything else that hurts humanity. Here's a whole group of people who have nothing better to do than to focus everywhere but here. They're worried about pleasing jehovah way up there. They're worried about avoiding hell and getting to heaven. They're worried about virginity. They're worried about any ideas that Jesus had sex or had siblings. They're only worried about their beliefs, unquantifiable beliefs. They spend their lives worrying about what some being might think out there in the cosmos instead of reaching out and helping a living thing. They deny their own personhood to serve a plan they're told they can't understand even though somebody is always claiming to know what's going on. It boggles my mind that otherwise intelligent, clear-headed, down-to-earth people will hold on to these blatant lies.

My second biggest beef is probably the built-in hypocrisy of christianity. They generally assume that all christians are good and everybody else is bad, inferior, uninformed. Some of them get very excited about the end of the world. They congratulate themselves for "knowing" the apocalypse is coming and that they're safe. Isn't that pride, one of the seven deadly sins? Making fun of people for trying to stop war and save nature in the face of the second coming? Which, I might add, Jesus would be at the forefront of, peace. The hypocrisy continues in other ways, too, like the putting down of women while the feminine aspect of life is attached to jehovah and Jesus. There are biblical passages referring to the loving bosom of god. It's like the writers couldn't bear to part with women completely but still didn't feel like giving us any reverence, so they stuck breasts on their sky god, and why not? Men are perfectly capable of caring for, embracing, and raising children, but they still can't produce milk, the sustenance that vulnerable infants need to live. So if you're going to cut women out but still need a reference to nurturing the body, you have to attach this kind of imagery to the male deity.

Not only does jehovah become synonymous with violence, independence in women is likewise met with violence. Jezebel's only "crime" was carrying on her family's worship in the pagan tradition. Historically speaking, she was from a different area and culture than her husband, which was part of how the patriarchy took over, by following rules of intermarriage to get where and what they wanted. Other women in the bible are shown following the pagan traditions as well, even and especially weeping for Jesus' resurrecting predecessor Tammuz. For her disobedience, Jezebel is murdered by being pushed out her window, and no one in the bible or modern times seems upset by this. Meanwhile, all the women who were presented to me as role models had weaknesses I couldn't identify with. Ruth was very loyal to her mother-in-law, which is a good quality, but despite her hard life, she didn't seem to have any real strength. And although I admired the man she would later marry for sympathizing with her enough to leave extra wheat behind in the fields, I didn't think she needed to be treated like she was helpless on the basis of being a woman. Another figure I liked was Esther. She was one smart cookie and loved her uncle enough to persuade the king to save his life. On the other hand, she became queen when the king's former wife refused to parade around in front of his friends like a trophy. Esther was chosen for her beauty, not her brains. And of course every time she wants to approach the king to talk to him, she has to bow and ask his permission to take up his time. A catholic once presented me with Mother Mary when I complained I didn't have a role model in that religion. I have wrestled with Mother Mary because of who the church and bible turned her into. How in the name of Hel am I supposed to identify with a woman who gives birth without having sex? A woman who supposedly never consummated her marriage? A woman who was raped by a deity and didn't care? A woman who didn't die but rose into the heavens in corporeal form? A woman who is a symbol of antisexual motherhood, perfect trust, love, and no real life outside of her connection to Jesus? If you read books that contain actual fact, you'll learn that Mary's titles Stella Maris (Star of the Sea) and Queen of the Universe were stolen from the great mother goddesses of the area, notably Ishtar, Inanna, and Isis. These goddesses, like Mother Mary, were connected to the underworld through their sons or lovers in the same way Jesus spent the three days before his resurrection in hell. Their returns and the Greek Persephone's return, like that of Jesus, signals the beginning of spring. (Not very original, is it?)

I admire Mother Mary for her patience, strength, and mercy, but my admiration is detached from the biblical rendition. Not to mention, I was raised protestant, without Mary, and this little incident shows me first hand why the church maintains her, a single line of defense against the female need for self-identity. The other great independent women of the bible are Mary Magdalene and Lilith. Lilith isn't even mentioned for telling Adam the N word: No. They say she left and had children with someone else, children that are demons, which actually gives her the power of creation, and through sex! Mary Magdalene is put down by so many people, called a whore and greatly overlooked. But as the old word for virgins was twisted to mean someone who'd never had sex, the word for "holy woman" was mistranslated as "prostitute." The more I read, the more I can see how myth and cultural divides created the bible stories. Both Mary's--and this was an acceptable cultural thing--spent time as young women serving the Goddess in her temple, losing their virginities to men without strings attached. These women were actually doing men a great favor according to the belief of the time because sacred sex brought men a taste of the Goddess. This is how I believe Jesus was conceived, which is confirmed by the translation for Gabriel's name and explains why Joseph isn't upset by her pregnancy. It was also common for these children, whom we would call bastards, to be called something akin to children of the gods. Mary Magdalene is also important because Jesus loved her more than all the other disciples, and as a feminist catholic once asserted to her brother, following the resurrection, Jesus appeared to Mary Magdalene first, not his male disciples.

One thing that makes me sad as much as angry is how christianity treats other religions. Most try very hard to make it an either/or question. You're either christian or you're not religious. You get to choose, then, between agnostic and atheist. Only the christian holidays are wished well to you publicly. I've been wished a merry christmas on the Winter Solstice. If I would've gone out on Ostara, I probably would've been wished a happy easter. As it is, I know Josh and I both got bombarded this year about what our plans would be for easter and then afterward how our easter was and what we did. There doesn't seem to be a doubt in anyone's mind that we care about the holiday, that we celebrate it, or that we're christian. What's funny is the ever-present call to remember the reason for these holidays, to break away from commercialism. Not only is commercialism the only thing that kept christmas around--because the church fought the pagan symbolism--but the message doesn't make sense. Are they trying to make new converts of the people who just want the candy and gifts? Or are they trying to remind themselves not to be materialistic? Because these aren't my holidays, so I don't need to remember squat about them, and christianity is not the national religion. I strongly dislike the brush-off other religions get. Christians are so immature when we ask that we're all included under the heading Happy Holidays. I'm still angry that pagans were laughed at during the last christian event I wearily attended. People literally laughed that pagans would call themselves the sibling or offspring of the earth or stars or moon or sun. This goes back to my point about them not being down-to-earth. We feel such a great connection to nature and recognize our place in it. They're so focused on what might happen when they die that they're willing to condemn the planet and all future generations. That to me is ridiculous.

Eostre/Ostara/Spring!

2008-03-19T06:51:00.000-07:00

Again I'm very excited and have great news to share! I guess foremost is the fact that Josh and I have come out of our SAD at the upturn of warmer weather. Secondly, after three or four months since the whole Rainbow fiasco, I finally got a job interview yesterday morning. I think it went pretty well. I took several skill-assessment tests on math, editing, and filing. It was kind of fun. I get to do a second interview next week with the owner. I really wish I could afford new clothes. Not only because it's spring--and I just read how buying new clothes is somewhat buried in our psyches for the arrival of spring--but because I want to put forth a professional image. I feel it's hard to do when the last run of new clothes I bought don't fit well from my weight gain. My weight gain to a healthy, average weight. (I'm still happy about that, too!) But the way our bills have piled up, it might be a long time before I'm able to afford something that doesn't come from a second-hand store. I'm definitely feeling crafty these days, though, and I'm looking into sewing some new clothes. I can't do a fancy button-up shirt or anything, but the simplest things make me the happiest in the long run, so anything new will do.

Spring is what I'm excited about, too. I think I overlooked it a little bit last year in favor of Beltane (May Day) because it's got that great name. But I found a whole book at the library (Ostara by Edain McCoy) that goes into every aspect of the Spring Equinox holiday, and I'm so swept up in it right now. I feel so blessed to have a caring, loving, appreciative partner, and I'm looking forward to having a great little festival right here in the house. I don't usually break away from doing a rather solemn, organized ritual, but alas, Spring is the time of year to break out of rigidity. So thanks to Ms. McCoy's book, we're going to make a dish with penne pasta and feta cheese and bake a green cake in honor of the Green Man. I'm going to try to spice up our ritual, too, make it loose and fun. I wish I had access to all of my essential oils and the dried herbs Beth gave me a few years ago out of her garden. I'm somewhat of a refugee in that way, having most of my belongings boxed up in Mom's crawlspace. I grabbed what I could, and I make do with it for sure. I wish I knew where my fabric and patterns were!

Yay! Good things!

2008-03-04T12:20:00.001-08:00

First of all, I want to publicly wish my fiance Josh a great big Happy Birthday!

I am very excited about our handfasting in September. I spoke with the woman who co-owns the Vineyard with her husband. I always have a lot of questions I forget about until I get her on the phone, but she's patient and kind. The tent sounds like it will perfectly accommodate the DJ's needs. And we both thought, since there's no wedding party, we could set up a super-cute "table for two" for the bride and groom. I still have to contact Josh's coworker about possibly making cupcakes in lieu of the cake. Josh had the best idea, too: red velvet cake with white frosting to match our ceremony colors. My biggest fear is that the guest list will start getting out of control. It's still missing most of Josh's family, and it's up to about 120 people with coworkers/my family/our friends. I hope it doesn't go too high over 200 because food is a big expense. I plan to get my shoes at DSW on a summer sale.

I'm also excited because my novel is coming along so well. I'm on the cusp of page 100, in the middle of the most daring scene I've ever written that I also intended other people to read. It's taking me several hours to get through it because it's pivotal and can't be bogged down in cliches. My characters have been waiting 3 months for this moment, and I've been waiting four months of real time since I started the novel for this scene, so it's a monumental day for the three of us. : p

Life Doesn't Have a Title

2008-02-26T11:03:00.000-08:00

I wondered for a long time just how the early patriarchal clans managed to turn women against themselves. How did vengeful, warring cultures convince Goddess-worshiping people that a hierarchy exists between the sexes with women firmly on the bottom? It took a lot of time, of course, that much we can learn through archeology. But it wasn't until last night that I really felt I understood the psychological anatomy of this conquest. I read recently in Restoring the Goddess that patriarchal cultures take advantage of feminine aspects, refusing to acknowledge or respect their worth in the meantime. I know everybody's not as generous and nurturing as I am. Unlike a lot of others, I don't want to have children of my own, but I understand the pull to create new things, being a writer, etc. I feel very strongly that this is exactly how the conquest was carried out. Women, feeling safe and secure in matriarchal society, would have been generous, fun-loving caretakers. Giving and receiving would have been natural and rewarding. But between then and the new feminist movements gaining momentum now, a lot of women have been asked or coerced into giving while they get nothing positive in return. When we enter school, we immediately start learning to categorize and subsequently to make a hierarchy of our world. With this kind of thinking in place, it's so easy for the socioreligious ideas to take root. And it seems natural at first, but the further you get from Judeo-Christian values, the further you can get from putting one thing higher than another.

This is why it's so damn difficult for many men, even those who are kind and well-meaning toward women, to embrace the feminist and/or Goddess movements. They assume we see things the same way patriarchy does: that lifting one up means destroying the other. It's hard for them to grasp our concepts because they aren't well known or widely celebrated. We believe in equality, which means men and women together, not all women with no men. (It didn't work the other way around; why would we try it that way?) We believe in putting forth effort into others and in this lifetime instead of letting the world blow up because you think it'll get you somewhere good. We're so far outside of patriarchy's box that a lot of people should be scared, but only those who base and brace themselves on those who currently have little or no power. It might be easy to smirk and swagger and put on a show when you don't think you'll be reprimanded or when you think you've got a higher power's permission. But in a legitimate matriarchy, nobody would encourage that behavior, nobody would swoon at it, and nobody would be fooled into thinking that person had confidence.

I found myself in an argument last night where some guy tried to submit as evidence of women's vulgarity an incident I, at the time, knew nothing about. He said I'd be surprised at what women say these days because Jane Fonda had said "cunt" on live TV. I was pretty sure it was being taken out of context, and when I looked it up this morning, it really proves how little the feminist movement is understood. In the first place, Jane Fonda and Eve Ensler were seated side by side as guests on the Today Show because of it being V-Day for Valentines, Vaginas, and Victory. In the second place, the interviewer asked Ms. Fonda a direct question about her experience with the Vagina Monologues. Ms. Fonda's answer was an anecdote about a piece from the Monologues entitled "Cunt." If you don't want to hear about women's private places, you don't invite two feminists to discuss the Vagina Monologues! For everyone who still thinks this was a classless move, there's more to consider. #1: Men's privates get talked about everywhere all the time. Let's stop acting like it's inappropriate to talk about biology. #2: It's not what you say but how you say it. Ms. Fonda was referencing the title of something, not calling anybody a cunt out of hatred. #3: African Americans get to say the "n" word. Feminists get to say cunt. #4: I'll be looking further into this, trust me: The word cunt originally had a highly positive meaning for women before coming to mean something bad. Therefore, feminist use of it is a means of reclaiming its original meaning as a word and fending off the more recent connotations. #5: In the true spirit of the Monologues not to mention feminism, to back down from using the word cunt probably didn't cross Ms. Fonda's mind.

True, she could have said something general about having misgivings about the name of the piece and left it unnamed. But either she made an honest mistake and/or she thought America was way more mature than it is. If anything about the whole scenario was classless, it was the other clip I found where Dave Letterman roasts Ms. Fonda over his Top 10 List. The only reason I can think of that he would do this is to laugh off a situation that really made him--or at least other members of his writing staff--very, very uncomfortable. I'll give you a Top 10 List, Mr. Letterman:

The Top 10 Reasons Jane Fonda Really Said Cunt On The Today Show

10. So little girls can be told they can be doctors and lawyers, too, not just baby factories.
9. So female masturbation can be as celebrated and recognized as its male counterpart.
8. So there aren't any words left that can be used against women by either sex.
7. So people can't pretend the vagina doesn't exist except when they want it to bring them pleasure.
6. So we can see America's true values: keeping sex and the female body hidden while we go to war and ignore the mass murders in Darfur.
5. So that someday, all women will be able to voice their feelings from wishes to concerns.
4. So that everyone will see that strong women exist in this country today; we're not all floormats.
3. So that women and their bodies will be respected and praised no matter their height and weight, thus increasing confidence, decreasing eating disorders, and changing the face of advertising.
2. So that future generations don't have to fight this oppression all over again, but that we keep moving forward.
1. So that everyone remembers IT'S JUST A WORD to which we assign the meaning as humans, and so it can eventually go back to its original purpose.

VAGINAS and Monologues

2008-02-25T08:16:00.000-08:00

Let's revisit Josh's and my trip to buy DVD's the other week. In the check-out lane was Cosmopolitan magazine with a blurb on the cover about an article inside that was going to help me understand or better care for my "Va-jay-jay." Maybe my complaints belong in the editor's mailbox--damn, that's a good idea!--but my blog will do for now. I subscribed to Glamour for probably two years, so I'm well versed in these sorts of articles and the two-way pull of these magazines. On one hand, it wants to empower women: here's what to say to your doctor, your mother, your less-than-adoring boyfriend, and your sulking BFF. But on that other hand, it hasn't grown up enough to stop telling us where to get the perfect blue jeans or to find a better term for our most private and mysterious organ than Va-jay-jay?? "Sex" is a word on every women's magazine cover, but there's no "Vagina," no flower references, not even a coarse "Love Cave" or "Secret Garden." As usual, women's magazines serve the patriarchal purpose of encouraging sex using the vagina but never full-on respect, adoration, understanding, and/or praise of this amazing orifice. I am also not alone in having problems with this article! Check out this great link to a fellow female blogger: Lone Chatelaine: Cosmopolitan Magazine - Then and Now. The comments there are a fabulous continuation of this discussion, especially about magazines and changes in culture over time.

All of this brings me to my new experience I really wanted to share. While other women are relying on big-shot, giggling editors to explain their "Va-jay-jays," Josh and I met up with Sarah and Carmen for the 1st annual Michiana Monologues. IUSB has been hosting Eve Ensler's Vagina Monologues for at least a few years, but the new Michiana ones have stories from women in our own community. I ate this up, of course, but you know by now that any woman's story going to be told in an honest, empowering context is going to be my cup of tea! It was stellar. There was an electricity in the air when you walked in the door of the building--a good, clean, excited atmosphere. You tend to get that when you offer a space in which women can be who they naturally are. You get hope and laughter and support. I reunited with Megan--my friend I haven't seen in months, who gave a great performance--and her roommate Jen. When you open up the room to just being real and expressing feelings, you get an audience who feels free to laugh and cry along with the stories. And there was never that element of "Oh, we're the audience, and they're the performers, and never the two shall meet." There was such a collectiveness there. They weren't performing; they were sharing. They covered the gambit in every way. They hit issues like sexism, sex, incest, sexual preference, mind-body connection, emotional expression, motherhood, giving birth, being a midwife, spirituality/religion, dating, and reclaiming one's power. And we ran the gambit of emotions: laughing, cheering, crying, sympathizing, agreeing with nods, and repulsion (thigh-fucking one's daughter usually brings repulsion out in people).

Josh and I left with our supportive buttons and Sarah and Carmen for a Steak N Shake meal with conversation. And the bit of intellectually-based discussion about the Monologues was appreciated but not the most important part, at least not for me. I've been reading so much about all of these topics and mulling them over and examining my own experiences that the Monologues ended up being exactly what I needed. I got so angry last week because a guy online was talking shit about women--about slapping them and then about how much he likes to go down on them. (*Scratching head* No one's confused here...except for him.) But just as I was trying so hard to calm down in the face of so much sexism and people not even being able to recognize it when they see it or confront the person, the Monologues came along. They brought to life everything that I have read and learned to be true. Yes, I got distracted by one performer's uber-cute pointy pink heels, but what I saw most was a row of women. WOMEN!! Strong and beautiful and unique and everything else that the word is meant to represent. I saw no "weakness." There was no "emotional instability." No "slutty" stories about "bitches" were read to us. WOMEN told us about other WOMEN and encouraged us to go out and talk about what we'd heard. I guess that leads me to my last point.

Because I'm still working on my communication skills in everyday situations, I wasn't able to relay this in person when I wanted to. But since this archaic misnomer still exists, why not try to reach more than just one person? Josh's mom often tells us news stories, and yesterday she gave us this one: a 14-year-old girl leaves juvie and hitches a ride with a car full of guys. She claims to have had consensual sex with 3 of them but is accusing the 4th of rape. Josh's mom seemed to think it was amusing that she and her friends had decided this 4th guy must have just been butt-ugly. I already knew this point of view existed, so when I heard it, I viewed it as cliche and being used well past its time. There are different ways to combat this illogical viewpoint. #1: Rape has nothing to do with the victim, only with the rapist. If a girl says no, that's it, no matter who else she told yes. It's a case by case basis. #2: This line of thinking doesn't line up with other crimes. "Have you ever donated money?" Well, yes. "Did you ever have money stolen from you?" Yes. "Then why are you upset? You freely gave money to these other people..." #3: Rape has nothing to do with attraction! It's purely a power-play. People who blame rape on mini-skirts don't know what to say when the victim was wearing sweatpants. #4: This kind of comment serves to control women's sexuality. It puts women in an awkward place, like you either have to sleep with nobody or everybody. It takes away our power to choose our partners and to be obeyed when we say no. Marital rape wasn't even considered a crime in all 50 states until 1993.

So I leave you with this: YES MEANS YES, NO MEANS NO, WHATEVER SHE WEARS, WHEREVER SHE GOES. Anything less is an agenda and a lie.

What's New

2008-02-18T08:36:00.000-08:00

I'm still out of work. Even though I feel like my novel's coming along slowly, ideas to keep it fresh just keep coming, and I just keep writing. I think it's the most promising project I've done so far. With good editing and a great agent, it could change everything for us. At least it's very fun in the meantime.

My brother Andrew made it to Korea. He's set his blog up so we can see how he's faring. I'm very proud of him for making this venture. We don't try to one-up each other or anything, but in the separate courses of our lives, we tend to grow and stretch in interesting ways in comparison. I broke free from home when my parents got divorced and then when I met Josh. Andrew broke out to go to college and now to go to Korea. I think as the months wear on, I'll really get to missing him, but in the long run, a year isn't that long.

Wedding plans continue to iron themselves out. We booked our DJ. Everything is falling into place just the way I want it. I think the gazebo, the focal point for the ceremony, is to the North of the sitting area, and with the ceremony starting in the afternoon, I don't think we'll be blinded by the sun like we were by the sunset behind Brandie & Chad last September in Indy.

I've been ransacking the library on a regular basis. I'm very excited about the books I've gotten my hands on after months or years of interest. I've rediscovered my love of anthropology and archeology. The Language of the Goddess by Marija Gimbutas has phenomenal pictures of ancient artwork, sculptures, and pottery, not to mention a detailed break-down of symbols and myths. The other book I'm working through right now is Restoring the Goddess by Barbara G. Walker. I'm only into the second chapter, but as I told Josh, the forewords in these kinds of books hit me with a revelation almost every paragraph. I'm content to read her own thoughts, but I greatly appreciate the inclusion of other modern women's first-hand experiences with her topics. It gives me a greater awareness of how patriarchal values and male-centered religion have affected other women, and it reinforces the author's belief that an underground movement is gaining speed amongst women. This is evident online and with some of the women I know who think like me, but there are so many horrifying examples of people either sticking with the religion that raised them or joining it or becoming more fanatical within it.

This book has been a great find for even more personal reasons. I'm used to writing from a feminist standpoint. Only more recently, in the past 2 years, have I set out to design stories with a religious agenda, to bring awareness to what paganism actually is. This book encourages me to make a career of this. Maybe I'll never travel to Eurasia and dig up figurines from the earth, but I can refuse to be silenced, and I can refuse to play along with a lie, and I can be a voice for this underground movement. The interesting thing that I remembered recently was how strongly I grabbed hold of the legends of the Amazon women as an older teen. I would say to my mom, "I give you matriarchy in 200 years." She had no idea what I was talking about, but now that I read these books, I see that everything can be turned around. If it actually will, I don't know, and I don't have an ETA. But people have been changing church doctrine for hundreds of years, one piece at a time, and if that is possible, we can turn it back to the way it originally was. The trend I've been exposed to recently is people embracing religion based solely on the few ideas they're told that sound good: oh, you've got a father who loves you so much he gave up his only child so he could bring you to him when you die. The reality that the Bible itself spells out quite clearly is that you "have" an invisible father far away from you who condemned you to suffering based on one defiant act, raped mother Mary to conceive a son he purposefully had tortured and murdered, and in the end, you don't get to go to heaven if you don't follow his many rules--or die before you can get baptized. My mom once said that the old testament is null and void because of Jesus. If Jehovah is all-knowing and all-loving, why was he such a jealous, cruel asshole for so long only to suddenly change his tune based on an event he had supposedly been planning all along? In my opinion, someone all-knowing and all-loving could certainly find a better way to "save" his "children" than through bloodshed and red tape. The other interesting memory I recovered was of the Sunday during church I turned to my father while communion was being explained and joked: "Body and blood? It's like cannibalism." Not only is it creepy, it's not even original.

Let me take one step back. When I first started learning how much christians had stolen from paganism, I thought it was because of a sharp, strictly religious agenda to get the pagans to convert. The more research I do, the bigger of a picture I see. I don't think the lines were that clear, and I don't think it was a religion-only battle. Before religions became indoctrinated and separated from mainstream culture, it was simply a war of one people against another, the warriors with their god against the agricultural Goddess-worshipers. When you can't beat 'em, you join 'em, so when the Goddess-worshipers weren't completely wiped out, the cultures began to mix, and the mythos incorporated gods and goddesses together until war ensured that only a single male deity remained. With one book, one god, and a pack of lies, modern Western society has raised most of its children to believe that this is the way the world has always been and was even meant to be. How can you fight an ideology that teaches its followers to distrust physical evidence (obviously planted by the devil to trick them) and that their blind faith will one day be rewarded while nonbelievers suffer for eternity?

The Adventures of the Everyday

2008-01-24T08:58:00.000-08:00

Where does a girl start? I got engaged, I'm writing again, I'm a library junkie, I'm working out, my brother's going to Korea for a year to teach English, and I got a voice mail message from my dad on his way to Japan for a week. I'm poor and unemployed, which leads to some days of self-deprecating depression, especially in the light of trying to budget a wedding. Not just any ordinary wedding, mind you, but the greatest, least "traditional," most unique, sacred, looked-forward-to event of my young life! By "traditional," I mean what most Jehovah-fearing Americans consider traditional. Josh and I are planning a handfasting that will also incorporate aspects of his beliefs. I did end up with a white princess gown, but there will be no wedding party, nobody walking me down any aisle, no church, no Biblical readings...But I've realized in the past few days it might be nice to hear the Charge of the Goddess on my handfasting day. I'm very excited this week because we got Josh's tux picked out last Saturday, and this coming Saturday we get to tour the vineyard where we REALLY would like to have our event. By the end of January, we might even have our date picked out! Either spring or fall. Josh has requested no hot weather. We both sincerely hope that my brother will be able to fly back to the U.S. for the handfasting because, as Josh put it, he's one of the few people we actually wanted to attend the ceremony. The more personal it is, the fewer people I want to witness it. Having any of my actual rituals brought to light would make me feel vulnerable and downright naked. I'm not afraid of being judged, but I do have these two fears: a) that someone will make an ignorant comment that will put me in a sour mood, and b) if anyone tried to judge me to my face, that I would become so angry, I'd be unable to defend myself. To my core, I am terrified of being unable to verbally defend myself against a religious or spiritual attack. I feel very strongly that I have an objective view about religion (I don't think any of them are "right," they're just different ways of explaining what exists), and I will not have anyone getting in my face about beliefs they have not researched or placed in context. I might not know everything, but at least I'm willing to learn and think for myself. My religion is not driven by fear, ignorance, and submission. It doesn't lean on the hypocritical agenda of a single text.

I read another of those "reports" this morning about how believers cope better with grief than nonbelievers. I'm assuming that most or close to all of the few hundred people surveyed were Christians. I'm also going to assume that most of those Christians believe that good people go to a good, peaceful place when they die where the grievers will be able to see them when they die. They believe they get down on their knees and talk to a big invisible man in the sky about their problems. So why wouldn't these people have an easier time grieving? Let's take a look at the nonbelievers. Maybe some of them are enlightened atheists; they can accept that people die and their bodies deteriorate; they rely on friends to talk to. But maybe a large part of this group doesn't have stout beliefs about anything; they're just angry wanderers questioning and cursing everything. Maybe they belt out hymns every Sunday but during the week doubt and cry and groan and complain. With only about half the facts about these "believers" and "nonbelievers," the studies always seem to suggest that nonbelievers better be believin'. I beg to differ. The last thing I would ever suggest is to dive head-first into a religion to see if you can get these kinds of benefits. To me, these studies say, "Quit wasting your time dabbling in things you don't believe in! Get yourself straightened out so you can make it through life without clinging to what can't help you." Believe me, I've seen believers struggle with grief like you wouldn't believe. They start theorizing about why Jehovah might make someone suffer, and if he possibly had already taken the soul out of the tortured body and mind. Some of them believe you shouldn't be angry at God; others know it's okay to admit you're upset. Quite frankly, these kinds of thoughts take the focus off the dying or recently deceased and put it miles above the earth. Instead of remembering their good qualities and the good times shared, people start envisioning their loved one in heaven, separated by distance and the time it will take them to die. The scope of the tragedy becomes huge, involving heaven and earth and things we can't understand instead of the simple truth of mortality. And that to me is depressing.

Never Enough Fabric

2007-01-15T11:24:00.000-08:00

I took advantage of the sale at Jo-Ann Fabric and spent most of what was on the gift card I got for Christmas (thank you Joe & Sarah!). I got a super-cute chocolate brown courduroy for a purse, two fabrics with pink for light tops, and a breath-taking India-inspired print that is headed for a skirt. I wanted 3 yards so I could make a 3/4 circle skirt out of it, but they barely had 1 1/3. It was too gorgeous to pass up. I think I'm going to fore go a pattern of any kind and just make it a nice, long skirt with an elastic waist.

Ah, the New Year

2007-01-05T15:32:00.000-08:00

New Year's Eve proved to be a good time had by all. Josh, my brother, my dad, his fiancee, her son, and I went up to the Field Museum in Chicago for the day. King Tut was the main attraction, but there were so many really cool things there! Here's the coolest thing about it: it resparked my creativity. (Josh's creativity hasn't been doing poorly since then, either.)

If it weren't for Josh's continued support in addition to a well-timed burrito, I would be a mess right now. After working my butt off for a couple weeks to complete my thesis, my director told me two days before I planned to graduate that I wouldn't be. So now my graduation has been pushed back five months, beyond my control, and like being dumped, the best thing to do is to move on. I guess the lesson here, the real lesson and not the spitefully obvious ones, is this: if you have more drive than your director, don't be afraid to go on the offensive. Schedule appointments with him, guide him, and don't wait for him to decide when you get your degree. This has been, by far, the most painful experience of my college career. It's embarrassing to have told everyone that I was graduating in December and do everything within my power to do so only to watch my plans crumble under the lazy weight of appointed authority. I only hope there's an evaluation of some kind for this project, because I definitely have some choice words about the whole matter.

Back on my Creative Feet

2006-12-18T22:55:00.000-08:00

Now that I'm spending a night at home, I've been working furiously on Josh's robe. After fretting over the pattern and the pieces and the material, the actual sewing together of the robe is pretty much a piece of cake. The assembly is easy once you can get past the gigantic pieces and the sheer number of smaller ones. I accidentally sewed the first pocket closed, fixed it, and avoided the problem the second time around.

I wish I had a picture of this week's tiramisu, but alas, it has been devoured. There's something to be said for following all directions when you're baking. If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, I'm not taking any chances at letting Josh get away. :)

Finally Sewing!

2006-12-10T12:23:00.000-08:00

Here I am, modeling the cherry print skirt I started on last night. My mom's sewing machine gave me more trouble today than it ever has. Mental note: don't buy a Kenmore when you buy your own! My other concern when I move out is that I have enough space to continue to work on projects like this. I'm a little self-conscious, actually, at the thought of wearing one of my handmade skirts out of the house, which is why this one will stay on me when I meet with Josh tonight. I don't have a problem carrying my handmade purses, though--I'm very proud of them and the way they stack up against those I see other women carrying. One of the next sewing projects I embark on for myself will be a camera case for my little Kodak EasyShare.

I'm gonna make one mighty fine Tiramisu this week. I've already collected all the ingredients. I have my notes from the last time I made it so it won't come out the same (wrong) way twice--progress is good! Mistakes are tasty, but I want it to look perfect. I want to be able to (at least in my head) waltz into Olive Garden with a piece of my Tiramisu on a plate and turn heads with it. Maybe while wearing handmade clothes. Hmmm....

Finishing my Thesis

2006-12-09T15:26:00.000-08:00

My thesis is now finished. I wrapped it all up and got that sense of completion I feel when I put the last period on the last sentence. In this case, it wasn't too sentimental because I have written 40 pages of it twice over. I guess I expect a medal or something. I finally got it all back, and I'm so glad it's done. There were days I didn't want to face it, and I have Josh to thank for encouraging me to keep going. (Thank you!)

At right is a picture of the fabric I just bought for a bell-sleeved tunic top. I've been obsessed with butterflies lately. Maybe it's because I feel so good these days, it's like I'm flying. My feet don't touch the ground anymore.

The Sweet, Sweet River of Creativity

2006-12-06T15:52:00.000-08:00

I am almost literally surrounded by fabric and patterns. They are calling to me. As it is, I'm going to Hobby Lobby again tomorrow to pick up more stuff--I'm being vague here because it's a surprise for Josh related to the robe I'm making for him. There's something fulfilling and raw and primal about expressing one's love for another human being through creation. I'm taking fabric and thread into my hands and turning them into fashionable items with time, effort, and affection.

The holidays are the season for jewelry-making for me. I still have a three-strand necklace to give to my grandmother. I made this charm bracelet for my good friend Beth with irridescent moons and silver Native American accompaniments.

When I get done with my stories, essays, and thesis, I have a mission: make my second batch of Tiramisu for Josh (since he's having a much harder time with the semester's end). www.igourmet.com came through for me with flying colors, and I can't wait to dig into the package of lady fingers and the can of cocoa powder. This batch will be pure magic--and I'll definitely learn from last time's mistakes.

Loose Ends

2006-11-24T18:32:00.000-08:00

I purchased 6 yards of satin for Josh's robe. (I won't include the color here in case he's reading.) The pattern is Simplicity's 3969, the only robe pattern I could find that I didn't have to select a size before buying the pattern. This one includes sizes XS, S, M, L, and XL. I think Josh already knows I'll be coming at him with measuring tape in hand. I've included the picture from the pattern. I think it'll be especially handsome because of the length (high visual impact and maximum satin-on-skin allowance) and the wider lapels. The packet includes the pattern for a pair of sleep pants, which I'm thinking about making when I finish the robe--not in the same color but one that will look quite smashing as the other part of a set.

Fabric Binge

2006-11-22T23:01:00.000-08:00

I have a new mission: making Josh a satin robe. The color is up to me. I just have to buy 6 yards of satin while it's still on sale and get the pattern. I'm confident it'll come out well and be a really nice present.

I went overboard buying fabric online. They're all beautiful, but I'll just post a few of the pics here. I've delved into satin for myself as well. I always make sure to get plenty of yardage in case I want to make a skirt or have enough left over for trim on another project or for another handbag. The blue paisley satin up top is headed for a shirt, and this plum butterfly print would make a great skirt. I'm also interested in finding an alternative skirt pattern to the one I have. The fabric at the bottom with trees and flowers is probably headed for skirt territory, too. The blues and purples in it are amazing--I'll have to make sure I have shirts and/or a jacket to match them.

Lightweight fusible interfacing is NOT acceptable lining. I was worried about the light showing through my skirt and ironed interfacing into it. The skirt became horribly stiff, and I'm lucky I was able to peel the interfacing off. I could never have worn it in public standing out from my body like that. I'll either leave it alone or do the sensible thing and sew white cotton into it.

Bring it All On

2006-11-18T18:44:00.000-08:00

I made my skirt today. The red is a bit more vivid in real life. I'm happy with the way it came out--there's a decent amount of extra fabric to the length of the skirt so I can make swishing motions in it. The only problem is that I should definitely have lined it with white fabric--it's kind of thin and lets light pass through it. It feels like I'm wearing nothing but a belt because of the fusible interfacing in the waistband. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that instructions come on the roll with the interfacing and how easy it was to iron onto the fabric.

It Never Ends

2006-11-17T14:21:00.000-08:00

The tiramisu did not set properly but still tasted spectacular. I think I'll give this recipe one more try, but this time I'm not using anything with less fat than regular cream cheese. The Nilla wafers were also a little tougher than I wanted them to be. And as I already noted for myself, thawed Cool Whip is much easier to spread, not something to ignore in the recipe.

I took the better part of the afternoon to finish the turquoise handbag. I ripped out the exposed facing, sewed in the new pieces, and made several other mistakes to be reckoned with before I got to iron on the crystal C. It doesn't look bad, which is gratifying considering how many hours I've put into it. Of course, while I was at it, I added a zippered pocket to the inside. No purse should be without one.

My doll projects will likely wait. Until then, I have enough fabric and patterns to work on some skirts for myself. I'll need another white 7" zipper for my red and white flowered skirt, but I still have a black 7" zipper I'm saving for my coveted butterfly skirt. This is one of the most beautiful fabrics I've ever seen--much like the peacock feather fabric I'm looking at online. But the butterflies are going into a three-tiered skirt, and any leftovers will probably become a handbag. Self-sufficiency feels really, really good!

Little of this, Little of that

2006-11-16T14:06:00.000-08:00

I finished my jean skirt this afternoon. I had this great pair of jeans with a frayed waist and these red/navy blue "racing stripes" down the outside of each leg. But they stopped fitting so well in the apple bottom area, and there's only one thing for a seamstress to do: make 'em into the best jean skirt ever! If you need to do this, too, here are the easy-to-follow instructions I used: http://www.sewing.org/enthusiast/html/efs_jeans_skirt.html.

I've made my first batch of Tiramisu. I altered the recipe for French Vanilla Tiramisu found at http://www.kraftfoods.com. I couldn't find ladyfingers, so I used Nilla wafers. I got coffee grounds with a French Vanilla flavor. I couldn't find a 9" square baking dish, but with the Nilla wafers, a 7" by 13" dish worked perfectly. It's chilling in the fridge now and will be dug into (hopefully tasty enough to be devoured!) later tonight.

My New Hobby

2006-11-14T13:08:00.000-08:00

I have rediscovered--or perhaps fully realized for the first time--that I love to bake. I reconnected with my kitchen muse for cooking these past few years, but now it's the season of the oven. I made three dozen delicious, delightfully orange Pumpkin Walnut Cookies (Recipe Here!!) Unfortunately, it calls for 2 cups of nuts and I only had 1/2 cup, but it worked because it let the pumpkin flavor come through. Next time I might add more spice because it was a tad weak for me. Nutmeg is the best fall flavor! My next baking projects will be more along the lines of my infamously tasty Feather Light Mocha Cake (with personal twists), or my new mission: to make the best Tiramisu EVER.

Best Tote Bag Ever. Period.

2006-11-13T13:32:00.000-08:00

I am incredibly proud of my tote. I started with the greatest fabric I've ever found: it looks like newsprint, really cute personal adds that are fun to read and add tons of visual interest. I used plain white cotton fabric for the lining. I put two pockets inside--one is too shallow to hold much, but the zippered pocket came out perfectly. I sewed a black, Chinese-inspired frog closure to the top of my tote to keep it closed when I want to.

I'm also delving into my bag full of clothes to mend and convert. I have this summery, flimsy, multi-colored skirt that always fit a little too big. With a well-placed length of elastic, I can wear it without the fear of it falling off my hips.

Unlocking the Mysteries of Tote Bags

2006-11-08T13:34:00.000-08:00

I have agreed to participate in an upcoming fundraiser for the Cat Society. I'll be making soaps wrapped in pawprint paper, jars of bath salts adorned with cat ribbon, and cat-print tote bags. The tote bags obviously require the most work and give the most satisfaction. My own personal handbag remains incomplete today, but I have finished my first cat tote. I designed it myself, no pockets, and even discovered the secret to turning those darn straps inside out. All you have to do is turn the opening rightside out and hook the wrong side of the fabric over the tip of a thin dowel rod. Pull on the fabric that's rightside out and keep pulling until the whole thing slips down the dowel rod.

Progress!

2006-11-05T09:18:00.000-08:00

I almost finished my purse yesterday--I spent most of the afternoon on it. I'm not always sure the instructions have been properly proofread, though. I sewed in facing where it told me to against my better judgment, and even though my bag looks all right to the unpracticed eye, I know it's wrong. The interfacing forms a rim around the lining on the top of the inside. My new problem is turning the second strap inside out. I've always had problems with the inside-out steps, but as I was trying to force the fabric through the tube with a dowel rod, I twisted it too much and formed a very painful blister on the side of my finger.

I finished Josh's bracelet, and I'm pretty proud of it. I've never made anything like it before. The ink I used to draw the runes on the clay beads smudged a little bit in some places, but they still look really good. I decided not to paint the beads, so they look like pale grey stones. The deer leather cord I strung them on is a deep chocolate brown. I gave a lot of thought to how I wanted to close it. Since I'm temporarily without access to the rest of my jewelry-making supplies, I couldn't put a toggle clasp on it like I originally wanted. I settled on a sliding, adjustible closure so he can slide it on over his hand and then adjust it however he wants to wear it. I know he'll be thrilled.

Trials and Triumphs

2006-11-03T10:50:00.000-08:00

My file won't open, and I've lost the last 40 pages of my creative Master's thesis. Luckily, a good night's sleep has given me a brighter outlook on the situation, and I'll probably try to rewrite it very soon. I've had other writing losses before, but they were much smaller and my own fault. My only saving grace is that I had gone through the whole work a few days before I lost it and written out the exact timeline, so I hope I can recreate it.

I've had things work out, too. I found a great modeling clay for making beads out of called Creative Paperclay. It's inexpensive, easy to work with, and fast drying. The beads I made out of it look fantastic. I've started work on my first handbag. It's going to be turquoise with a flowered lining and bottom. I also got an iron-on crystal patch in the shape of a C for my name. It took a long time just to cut out all the pieces, but I'm confident that the project will come out well.

Little Bit of Everything

2006-10-27T18:20:00.000-07:00

I cut out the pieces for the lining and contrast-colored band for my doll gown. Most of it is lavender satin, the band around the top of the bodice is a royal purple satin, and I'm using white tulle for the skirt lining. My flowered purse fabric came in the mail, and it's not as pretty as it looked online. I'm going to use it as contrast lining and get some plain turquoise fabric to match it for the outside. Before I can start on my red and white flowered skirt, I have to get some fusible lining for inside the waist band. I'm also thinking of putting new toggles on my old suede coat--I put big wooden buttons and suede loops on it, but one of the loops broke. I need something tighter down the front to keep out those cold Indiana winds.

On the jewelry front, I'm putting thought into a special bracelet for my new buddy Josh. If I can find my clay, I can make little rune beads and string them with real deer leather cord. I made a beautiful double-stand necklace and matching bracelet out of pink glass beads for an old family friend to send off to her niece. I'm working on a charm bracelet for my friend Beth with little colorful crescent moons and silver charms. I just need two more.

Sunday Afternoon

2006-10-15T14:58:00.000-07:00

I finished a green dress for Angelina yesterday. I cut the pieces without the lining from my new patterns, but when I got to the straps, band, and bow, the whole project went in a new direction. First of all, I chose this green, splotchy fabric because it's not very asthetically pleasing and would be good for a trial run of using the new pattern. The dress was coming along pretty well except for the neckline, so I altered it a little to look like a leafy, fairy dress. I should've cut into the bottom hem, but I was lazy, so the hem is still straight, falling just above the knees. I tried to make dark green, see-through gloves for her, but the see-through material just wasn't working out.

I cut out the pattern pieces for a ball gown yesterday evening: http://www.lisasdollcloset.com/3702.jpg. I'll probably use a purple satin for the outside, but I'm not sure what to use for the lining. I need to get some tulle for it, too, so the skirt stands up. I'm determined to do this project the right way, lining and all, probably for sale.

New Patterns, New Projects

2006-10-12T18:08:00.000-07:00

I finished the "blue jean" pants and then completed a lavender satin top with a black ribbon belt. I ransacked Hobby Lobby last night. I bought a packet of patterns so I can try to make myself a skirt and this pattern for my dolls.
I already have three other patterns from the McCalls' Tyler Wentworth Collection, but I wanted this one so I could make little separates like the blazer, skirt, and 2 shirts. I started on the dress pattern, altering it to make it without lining. I also bought two pattern packets on eBay so I can try making my own purses and handbags. I bought this really great fuzzy leopard print material a few weeks ago and can't wait to wear it on my shoulder.

What Came of the Sewing Books

2006-10-09T10:37:00.000-07:00

The sewing books convinced me to work with elastic for my doll clothes. The books only provide Barbie-size fashion doll patterns, but at least one of them gave extremely helpful advice on how to modify patterns for other sizes of dolls. I modified two patterns, made them out of the same cute orange fabric, and voila! Angelina now has the greatest tank top and shorts for pajamas. I'm jealous.

In digging around for my official Tyler Wentworth Collection patterns, I found some fabrics I had forgotten about. One looks remarkably like denim. I started making some of it into a pair of "blue jeans." I want to make a "jean" jacket to go with it, but I haven't decided which pattern I want to use. The only jacket patterns I really have are for a bolero and a longer jacket with a wide collar. I have to pick out a fabric and a pattern to make a shirt out of to complete the outfit. I probably won't be trying to sell this one, but if it turns out well, I might make something similar for eBay.

One Night at the Library

2006-10-06T09:41:00.000-07:00

Some of the other sewing blogs are complaining of not getting much done, and I fell prey to that myself yesterday. I went down to the local library and got two books about sewing doll clothes. They are Dressing Dolls by Charlene Davis Roth and Dolls' Clothes Pattern Book by Roselyn Gadia-Smitley. They both cover the range of dolls from baby dolls to fashion dolls to those really tall standing dolls. My only work has been with fashion dolls (Barbie and the Tonner dolls). I made this outfit and matching jewelry and sold it on eBay. The shirt, pants, and handbag were from a pattern. I really love the pants pattern--it's not very hard, and it fits like a glove.